Is it too much to ask, “Why can’t people be more like dogs?” I think the answer is an emphatic “no” but I suppose I shouldn’t be the guy that answers his own questions.
Example: “Who’s got the best dressed vest on his chest in the west? This guy!”
Yeah, no one wants that.
However, I would like to make my case for why humans should stop aspiring to be like other people and be more like dogs.
REASON-LIST
1. If you’re a big dog, you can eat a whole stick of butter and not only be okay for the most part, but your body won’t change at all. I consider that 100% awesome. Now, do I want to eat a whole stick of butter? No. Would I? Yes. In a high cholesterol heartbeat.
2. A dog is always the most excited to see you when you return from anything- FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME. Name one human that’s cool with you locking them inside the house whilst expecting them not to eat any of your food, no access to the bathroom, and the last time you saw them, you tricked them by putting a treat behind the couch and by the time they found it, you were out the door and in your car. NOT A SINGLE PERSON!
a. Subpoint: Dogs are allowed to pee a little when they get super excited and no one will make fun of them
3. 4 words: Unlimited Amount of Naps
4. Shaking hands stops being the sign of a business transaction going down and instead, pretty much guarantees a tasty snack or a good rub down.
a. Subpoint: This applies to sitting on command, begging, rolling over, playing dead and speaking. SPEAKING!
5. You have a legitimate reason to hate cats. Moreover, all the cat lovers in the world will no longer be mad at you. In fact, they’ll completely understand.
6. You’ll never be expected to remember somebody’s birthday.
7. In a world where first impressions are everything, you’re pretty much guaranteed to make the best impression 98% of the time. And in a world where good first impressions mean invites to fancy parties, you’ll pretty much be guaranteed to be the only dog at a super fancy party.
8. Bandanas, sweaters and any Halloween costume will automatically boost your “Cute Factor.”
9. For all of you that love snuggling, dogs are the ultimate snugglers! For all of you that hate snuggling, dogs are the perfect sleepers-by-your-feet! For all of you that love snuggling for a little bit and then love pushing your snuggle partner away, dogs are perfect at snuggling for a little bit and never hold grudges when you push them away! For all you (insert how you like to sleep), dogs are perfect (modified version of how you sleep)!
10. Google Image Puppies. Now Google Image Babies. If you don’t get my point already, then explaining it won’t help.
11. Have you ever seen a dog trip? I know I sure haven’t. At least not in public.
12. More people would buy 365 day flip calendars that were all about you.
13. Oh, I don’t know, amazing hearing and smelling capabilities! Not to mention, the assumed ability to see better in the dark. If a person had all three of those things, they’d pretty much be a super hero.
14. Tax season? Fuhgedaboutit!
15. Dogs have an uncanny ability to know when to listen.
Need I say more?*
*If you’d like to say more, please add your reason(s) why being a dog would be a better life.
1 comment:
"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig
satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."
- J. S. Mill
Andy, you are in a way constructing a straw man case against human beings. Holding a degree in philosophy, I expect your future arguments to be more cogent, more open, and more difficult to criticize.
Also, dogs never have to comb their hair, people brush their teeth for them, and no one looks down on them for peeing in front of girl dogs...that would be so great.
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