Natalie Jean

My sister gave birth to a baby girl about two weeks ago now.  It’s the first baby in the Allen family to be born since October 14^th, 1986.  That’s nearly 25 years.  And since I was indeed that baby that was born nearly 25 years ago, it’s natural for people to question my jealously level.  I never had to deal with “a new addition” before now.  So it’s natural for me to feel like someone is invading my territory a little bit.  No longer can I play the card, “But I didn’t know!  I’m just the youngest (shoulder shrug, kick the dirt).”  Nor can I simply bat my eyes, hang my head and simply say sorry with a funny pseudo-lisp and just get away with my wrongdoings.  The world has changed dramatically for me in just a few short days. 

But to answer your question of whether or not I’m jealous, I answer that with an emphatic, No.  I’m not the jealous type.  No, sir!  I am simply changing roles.  Much like Woody had to do when Buzz LightYear came around, or what the Rocket/Gary Busey had to do when Henry Roengardner started to pitch for the Cubs, or how Hillary Clinton probably felt when Sarah Palin made her run at politics, my role in the Allen-family has shifted.  And it’s shifted to Life Coach.  Yes, I am going to take young, two-week old Natalie Jean under my proverbial wing and teach her how to fly.  Scratch that!  I’m going to teach her how to soar.  Because everyone knows that soaring is much more majestic.  So once the United States stops its faulty democracy and finally becomes a monarchy, Natalie will be its first queen.    

Therefore, here are some tips that I have for you, Natalie (once I teach you how to read next month):

1.       Timing is everything.  The best thing in the world at an inopportune time can be the worst thing in the world.  Example:  Tickling a stranger.

2.       Opt for homeschooling during middle school.  In fact, don’t leave the house during those years. 

3.       Learn to play the piano.  Everybody likes people who can play the piano (just as long as you don’t brag about it or offer yourself to play at social gatherings). 

4.       Don’t own a cell phone till you’re in college. 

5.       Go to college.

6.       It seems like the people I know who’s “All-Time Favorite Fill-in-the-Blank” is current, are not “Contributing People to Society.”  Therefore, start to like the classics.  Books.  Movies.  Music.  Even candy that you’ve never tasted.  Speaking of which, man do I miss reading To Kill a Mockingbird and watching Rain Man with some Bob Dylan in the background and a Zagnut bar in my hand. 

7.       Keep your old t-shirts. 

8.       Don’t forget people’s birthdays.  There are a lot of things you’re allowed to forget- but birthdays are NOT one of them.  People will hold that over your head forever.  Also, sorry again, Mom

9.       Winning isn’t everything.  But it’s something. 

10.   Ask your parents to document your life with pictures- not video.  Home videos that have you in them are really fun for everyone BUT you.  Pictures make you feel better than you were.

11.   Always take the 3 minutes to do something that would cost you a lot more time and money if you had to do it later.  Examples:  Brushing your teeth, reading instructions, and knocking on the door (therapy is expensive). 

I love you, Natalie Jean.  Soon enough, we’ll have our very own handshake. 

Love,

Andy

                  (my niece)