I'm 30.

It's been a long time since I've written here.  In fact, the last time I posted something was January of 2013.  Since then, I've started a new job (and been here for 3.75 years), I've had two kids, and my wife is currently incubating the third.  I'm still on a local improv team here and it's more successful than I thought it would be.  And I enjoy it for different reasons than I thought I would.  I still overthink everything and don't think about certain things enough.  I often times feel insecure about not living a more purposeful life and I'm almost always concerned that I'm letting most everyone down.  I always find time and people to fill my life and I am most fulfilled when I'm enjoying experieinces with my wife, kids, and friends (in the order).  I internally fight the battle of feeling like I have so much to offer and nothing to add.  I dream about who I could be, who I can't be, and who I could have been.  I contantly pick up tid bits throughout my day that I pray they will make profound impacts on how I act.  And I contstantly forget where I put my wallet.  I envy everyone.  And am thankful for who I am and what I have.  Being a farmer, living off the land, owning 10 acres, and growing my own food is incredibly attractive to me.  Being a CEO, making more money than I know what to do with, managing a group of people, and being surrounded by noise is incredbly attractive to me.  I'm afraid that I will never be satisfied and I am grateful that I always want more.  I think I carry my stress in my teeth and my stomach is bigger than I want it to be - but I'm afraid to admit that because I'm not overweight.  I've made incredible friends thoughout my 30 years.  They are the people I want to be like.  And they are the people I wish I had more time for.  I constantly wonder who I'm not meeting for breakfast or lunch and want to grab a drink with everyone.  I am fully aware that I absolutely need Jesus and it depresses me that I don't tell him that enough.  I worry about the future, wonder about my past, live in the present, and feel like I need to spend more time everywhere I go.  I think I am more intentional than anyone thinks I am and am okay with being the scapegoat if that means other people will have a good time.  I wish I was invited more places and I wish I knew how to sit in silence better.  I think I'm destined for something bigger than myself.  And I think that's true for everyone.  And I wish I leaned into that more often and encouraged others to do the same.

I'm a mess.  But I'm constantly cleaning up after myself.  I'm 30.