Half way done.
That statement is kind of crazy. What's even more crazy is that I remember thinking when I got here, "When June is done, this internship is going to fly by." Guess what? It's almost July which consequently means, June is almost done. It's June 24th right now and in three-four days, we're going to be done with Sharefest. Sharefest is a giant renovation project of three public schools here in Rockford. I've been working there on and off these past two weeks. AND it's almost done. And when that's done, I'm almost done with June. And when June is almost done- I've already done this...
This summer has been really great though. There are so many things that constantly make me question where I am and why I am. I think if I have learned anything, it is this: I am a full believer in Jesus Christ. I have confidence that he can do anything that he pleases. I believe he knows all. Is all. And is all powerful. I believe that not only does Jesus know me, but that I know Jesus. I believe that he wants to see his children laugh, play, enjoy, and be part of a full life. I also know that Jesus lets us go through pit falls and stumble every now and again. However, I also know that he is always there. Always. With all of this said, I also know I screw up. A lot. I choose to disregard what Jesus has for me sometimes and go my own way. I need to work on that. I also know that those little decisions can become a giant hindrance down the road. But I also know that those decisions come in every part of life. Whether you're a teacher, a stock broker, a massage therapist, a pastor, a construction worker, a waiter or a chef, every day decisions make us who we are. It is the minute decisions, the details, that make us who we are.
Here's a better description: Take humans. Most humans have two eyes, a head, a nose, four apendages, and so on. This is not what makes them unique. Sometimes the number or having of these things make them unique but for the majority, these things do not make them unique. What makes them unique is the details. How big their eyes are. How tan their arms are. How curved their nose is. How wide their smile is. Details make up who we are. Details make us unique. Details define us. The little decisions are the details- the make up- of who we are. I need to work on the details.
Heartland has helped me a lot here. I talked earlier about how my life has been an upside down puzzle. I have learned that I am not ready to work in front of a church. I might be okay working behind a church or even in partnership with a church, but I am not ready to work in front of a church. However, a past entry also talked about how I wish to be in front and how I don't necessarily feel like that's being egotisitcial just as long as one's heart is in the right place. I feel like I tend to do better when people are watching. There is a certain switch in my body that clicks on when I know I have an audience. Without the audience, that switch takes longer to find. This means one of two things. I need to either hold off on church life and become stronger in other areas or I need to find how to turn on that switch even when I'm not in a place of prime switch-ability. My guess is that it's probably a healthy combination of both. My life doesn't need to change so much as it needs to be continually refined and defined. I want more definition (not meaning- details) to who I am which means I need to search after better answers which means I need to be asking harder and better questions.
We'll see what happens in the next five weeks.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
From: Me
So my past posts have been pretty serious. I'm not really a serious guy all of the time so that past blogs have been pretty dull to read. I understand this. I am aware of this. I would like to make it up to you. I'll still tell you all about my life but I'm going to do it in a more story like way. We'll see if this flows any better.
So I just went to Beefaroo. It's a weird fast food restaurant that is only in Rockford. Apparantly they have tons-o-flavors to choose from in the milk shake variety. I have yet to have one of these delicious and yet oh, so abundant ice cream, drinkable treats. I'm sure they are delicious. I choose Steak'n'Shake. Stick to your roots.
I'm also figuring out if the church is where I'll be living vocationally. I think the answer is a "no" for a bit. My problem is not with the church and what it might do to me. My problem is with me and what I might do to the church. I'm not ready to be up and leading people spiritually. I am not myself ready spiritually, physically or mentally to do the whole "work at a church" thing right now. What I want to do is to take whatever talents I have, work towards something, make a few bucks that way, get some life experience being clueless in my endeavors but still endeavor-ing and go from there. I'm not worried about how things will pan out. I am a little worried that I might miss a big sign to go a certain way but ultimately, if I'm supposed to be somewhere and my heart and mind are set in finding that destination, I will eventually arrive. It just makes sense.
I am finding that this summer is not necessarily giving me a ton of answers but instead just giving me more questions. It has answered a couple of things for me already but it has also given me a lot to ponder. It's a lot like the series LOST. (by the way, I'm addicted to the show, I've just started watching it, and I can't stop. I'm half way through season 2 and it's only been a week. Yikes.) (that was a long parentheses) It's a lot like the series LOST because my life has given me a lot of questions and once I've arrived here (my own little island), I've been given a couple answers but ultimately, I may or may not be more and more confused without fully knowing if that is true or not. My buddy Dugan explained Lost like this: It's a puzzle with all of the pieces flipped over so you can piece them together but you don't know what the picture looks like. My life right now is that. I have questions that are being answered but I still have a lot more questions to piece together. However, I have no idea what the heck my picture looks. It's a good metaphor.
Anywho, that is my life for right now. Still moving forward. Still smiling through it all. Still tired most of the time. But I'm in an exciting time in my life. I like it.
So I just went to Beefaroo. It's a weird fast food restaurant that is only in Rockford. Apparantly they have tons-o-flavors to choose from in the milk shake variety. I have yet to have one of these delicious and yet oh, so abundant ice cream, drinkable treats. I'm sure they are delicious. I choose Steak'n'Shake. Stick to your roots.
I'm also figuring out if the church is where I'll be living vocationally. I think the answer is a "no" for a bit. My problem is not with the church and what it might do to me. My problem is with me and what I might do to the church. I'm not ready to be up and leading people spiritually. I am not myself ready spiritually, physically or mentally to do the whole "work at a church" thing right now. What I want to do is to take whatever talents I have, work towards something, make a few bucks that way, get some life experience being clueless in my endeavors but still endeavor-ing and go from there. I'm not worried about how things will pan out. I am a little worried that I might miss a big sign to go a certain way but ultimately, if I'm supposed to be somewhere and my heart and mind are set in finding that destination, I will eventually arrive. It just makes sense.
I am finding that this summer is not necessarily giving me a ton of answers but instead just giving me more questions. It has answered a couple of things for me already but it has also given me a lot to ponder. It's a lot like the series LOST. (by the way, I'm addicted to the show, I've just started watching it, and I can't stop. I'm half way through season 2 and it's only been a week. Yikes.) (that was a long parentheses) It's a lot like the series LOST because my life has given me a lot of questions and once I've arrived here (my own little island), I've been given a couple answers but ultimately, I may or may not be more and more confused without fully knowing if that is true or not. My buddy Dugan explained Lost like this: It's a puzzle with all of the pieces flipped over so you can piece them together but you don't know what the picture looks like. My life right now is that. I have questions that are being answered but I still have a lot more questions to piece together. However, I have no idea what the heck my picture looks. It's a good metaphor.
Anywho, that is my life for right now. Still moving forward. Still smiling through it all. Still tired most of the time. But I'm in an exciting time in my life. I like it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Big Platter
Sorry that I haven't written in a long time. I feel like I am so consumed with what I am doing at Heartland right now that a lot of other things are taking the backseat. I haven't had any real alone time in a long time. I'm always on the move, looking at the next thing I have to do while doing something that is supposed to be done fifteen minutes before my next meeting. It's a busy life here and I like it, but it's a work environment that I still find myself getting used to and getting accustomed to each day. It's not a place where you just stroll into work, go into your office, see your list of "to-do's" and then start tackling one by one until five o'clock rolls around. Instead, it's a church that you roll in somewhere between 8:30 and 9, look around, see who is in the office, look at your calendar, realize that you have 5 meetings with things to do in between each one, and then try and tackle each thing. Yes, the people are incredible here and I do love work. However, work never stops. It can't when the staff is over 130. Church life is a different life than what I expected. I'm sure mega church life is even more different.
So here I sit, contemplating whether or not life in ministry is the life for me. The further I get into this summer, the more I begin to realize that the answer is different than what I thought it would be. To tell you the truth, I assumed that three weeks after this internship, I would be excited about ministry and the opportunities that it presents a person like me. That doesn't seem to be the case though. Instead, this church has probably made me want to be less and less a part of ministry. Don't get me wrong, Heartland does an incredible job at what it sets out to do. It's great at reaching a large mass of people and the teaching here is incredibly relevant to what people deal with in their everyday lives. Their worship is exciting and fresh. The programs are set up so that people can relax and not have to worry about anything. All the congregation has to do is listen.
But this kind of church is simply not the church for me. Instead, I would rather go to a church where they preached the Bible and showed how it applied to my life. More often than not, Heartland teaches about life and shows how it relates to the Bible. My mom calls that putting the carriage before the horse. I don't know if I would go that far but it definitely could be viewed that way. The problem is that I don't think I could be a teacher here and I believe that I did work at a church, it would consist of teaching. I have a weird passion that wants to be viewed. I need that accountability. I am okay doing stuff in the background but I think that I sometimes to mostly need the motivation that whatever it is that I am going to be doing is also going to be viewed by other people. It is their affirmation that I seek. Obvioulsy, it's also God's affirmation that I seek. I don't want to sound like my priorities are out of order. I'm typing very stream of consciousness right now so please understand my intentions. I first of all want to please God in all that I do. And I believe that God has given me a heart to work with and for others. Whatever it is that I am going to do seems to me that there will be other people involved. I don't know if they will be listening or evaluating but I think God has given me a desire for an audience in some capacity. Again- whether that is a listening one or one that evaluates my performance, I really do think that God has given me a desire for others to watch me.
I don't want this to sound cocky and I realize it may come across that way- especially since I'm typing this out as opposed to saying it aloud where we could have a conversation about this- but I promise you that I think God has given others gifts to work in the back or work in the front. All I am saying is that because of my 21 years of existence and most specifically my past 3 1/2 weeks here, I really do believe that my gifts point to the front and not to the back. I know who I am in certain areas and I know that when I work behind the scenes, my production level is less than what it is when I'm in the front. I don't view that necessarily as a weakness in me as much as I view it as the way I function. Some people work better when they aren't in front and people don't assume that they are being self boasting when they claim that they work better behind the scenes. My point is simply that I work better and more efficiently when I have the accountability of other people's opinions.
Beyond church life, I also am really beginning to understand clear communication. My girlfriend and I have been a part for the time of my internship. We have been able to see each other a couple times which has been really nice but we're learning what long distance relationships do. The problem with long distance relationships is not that you can't grow together, it's that you grow at a different pace- a much SLOWER pace. Talking about your day with the other person is important but still having a common bond is equally as vital. Mel and I have been able to rely a little bit on our common bond- each other. We are really interested in the other person but we are also interested in the other person being interested in us. It's so great to have Mel ask about my day and be interested in what happens next and in turn, it's great for Mel to have me be equally as interested. However, with the long distance thing, we have also found that communicating about such things often makes us sad that the other person wasn't there to share in that experience or sometimes even jealous. Often we've come home to realize that the other is in a completely different mood and it's hard to counter our emotions with the other person's. But what's been the best part about this is that we've talked all about this with the other. These things are all issues that we realize and talk through. We try and fix the problem as opposed to ignoring them. We move on. We're kind of in love.
I am almost done with my fourth week here and sooner than later, I will be half way done. That's absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe how fast my internship has gone and I can't believe how much I am learning about myself. Sometimes the things I learn are just reminders. Sometimes the things I learn are "aha" moments when I realize something about life for the first time. Sometimes, I learn things that I don't think I should have learned because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Regardless, I'm learning- a lot. It's been a good almost four weeks. I'm looking forward to a better almost six.
So here I sit, contemplating whether or not life in ministry is the life for me. The further I get into this summer, the more I begin to realize that the answer is different than what I thought it would be. To tell you the truth, I assumed that three weeks after this internship, I would be excited about ministry and the opportunities that it presents a person like me. That doesn't seem to be the case though. Instead, this church has probably made me want to be less and less a part of ministry. Don't get me wrong, Heartland does an incredible job at what it sets out to do. It's great at reaching a large mass of people and the teaching here is incredibly relevant to what people deal with in their everyday lives. Their worship is exciting and fresh. The programs are set up so that people can relax and not have to worry about anything. All the congregation has to do is listen.
But this kind of church is simply not the church for me. Instead, I would rather go to a church where they preached the Bible and showed how it applied to my life. More often than not, Heartland teaches about life and shows how it relates to the Bible. My mom calls that putting the carriage before the horse. I don't know if I would go that far but it definitely could be viewed that way. The problem is that I don't think I could be a teacher here and I believe that I did work at a church, it would consist of teaching. I have a weird passion that wants to be viewed. I need that accountability. I am okay doing stuff in the background but I think that I sometimes to mostly need the motivation that whatever it is that I am going to be doing is also going to be viewed by other people. It is their affirmation that I seek. Obvioulsy, it's also God's affirmation that I seek. I don't want to sound like my priorities are out of order. I'm typing very stream of consciousness right now so please understand my intentions. I first of all want to please God in all that I do. And I believe that God has given me a heart to work with and for others. Whatever it is that I am going to do seems to me that there will be other people involved. I don't know if they will be listening or evaluating but I think God has given me a desire for an audience in some capacity. Again- whether that is a listening one or one that evaluates my performance, I really do think that God has given me a desire for others to watch me.
I don't want this to sound cocky and I realize it may come across that way- especially since I'm typing this out as opposed to saying it aloud where we could have a conversation about this- but I promise you that I think God has given others gifts to work in the back or work in the front. All I am saying is that because of my 21 years of existence and most specifically my past 3 1/2 weeks here, I really do believe that my gifts point to the front and not to the back. I know who I am in certain areas and I know that when I work behind the scenes, my production level is less than what it is when I'm in the front. I don't view that necessarily as a weakness in me as much as I view it as the way I function. Some people work better when they aren't in front and people don't assume that they are being self boasting when they claim that they work better behind the scenes. My point is simply that I work better and more efficiently when I have the accountability of other people's opinions.
Beyond church life, I also am really beginning to understand clear communication. My girlfriend and I have been a part for the time of my internship. We have been able to see each other a couple times which has been really nice but we're learning what long distance relationships do. The problem with long distance relationships is not that you can't grow together, it's that you grow at a different pace- a much SLOWER pace. Talking about your day with the other person is important but still having a common bond is equally as vital. Mel and I have been able to rely a little bit on our common bond- each other. We are really interested in the other person but we are also interested in the other person being interested in us. It's so great to have Mel ask about my day and be interested in what happens next and in turn, it's great for Mel to have me be equally as interested. However, with the long distance thing, we have also found that communicating about such things often makes us sad that the other person wasn't there to share in that experience or sometimes even jealous. Often we've come home to realize that the other is in a completely different mood and it's hard to counter our emotions with the other person's. But what's been the best part about this is that we've talked all about this with the other. These things are all issues that we realize and talk through. We try and fix the problem as opposed to ignoring them. We move on. We're kind of in love.
I am almost done with my fourth week here and sooner than later, I will be half way done. That's absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe how fast my internship has gone and I can't believe how much I am learning about myself. Sometimes the things I learn are just reminders. Sometimes the things I learn are "aha" moments when I realize something about life for the first time. Sometimes, I learn things that I don't think I should have learned because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Regardless, I'm learning- a lot. It's been a good almost four weeks. I'm looking forward to a better almost six.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
2 Tenths
Now I'm done with two weeks. I'm currently sitting outside in my bathing suit in 80 degree weather and getting a sun. For all of those concerned, the answer is "No, I'm not wearing sun screen lotion." I don't know where it is in this house and I'm not going to rummage through my host parents' drawers.
I had a very cool experience yesterday. I went to a concert with my new, very good friend Dugan, his sister Breeze and their good friend (now Dugan's better friend if you know what I mean) Haylee. The band was called Starlight Radio and they were pretty folk rockish. Very good sound. Great music. The lead singer has amazing vocals. It was really up my alley. What was cool was not necessarily the concert though. What was cool was there was a guy in the front row just raising his hand and even stood by himself once during the show just praising (I'm assuming) God. The band wasn't a Christian band. They weren't singing praise songs. No one else was praising with this guy. But there he was. Praising. Appreciating.
I was confused at first but then the more I watched this guy I started to realize something. This man was not praising the band or with the band or to the songs being sung. This guy was praising God for allowing his ears to hear such incredible beauty flow out of something earthly. This guy was praising God because His beauty was being revealed to us. It wasn't in a form of a Psalm. It wasn't in a hymn. It was everyday life exuding God's beauty. It was an incredible reminder that God is truly everywhere. Everything on this earth is God's and God can be revealed through everything. It is his beauty that shines through the beautiful things on earth. It is merely our choice to praise him for it. I hope that we choose to. I hope I choose to.
Beyond that, I am finding myself a little better around old Heartland Community Church. I'm getting involved in a small group and I'm probably going to even co-lead it. I'm writing some scripts for some sketches and announcements and videos so that' s fun too. I'm just moving all the time though so feeling productive is not really a priority. I'm not in one spot long enough to really accomplish anything. Maybe that's not what I'm here for. Maybe I'm here just to soak. I don't like that though. I want to be of some value. I want to be good at what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm good at this. I just feel like I CAN do this. It's not hard to sit in meetings and give input or no input. I think I need a project to accomplish. And again, maybe that's what the real test for me this summer is going to be. It's going to be me not being in the lead. I have to follow. I just have to listen and accept. Ideas are okay to give but they are most likely only going to be ideas that feed off of others' vision. That's hard for me. This should be a great summer. We'll see what happens.
I had a very cool experience yesterday. I went to a concert with my new, very good friend Dugan, his sister Breeze and their good friend (now Dugan's better friend if you know what I mean) Haylee. The band was called Starlight Radio and they were pretty folk rockish. Very good sound. Great music. The lead singer has amazing vocals. It was really up my alley. What was cool was not necessarily the concert though. What was cool was there was a guy in the front row just raising his hand and even stood by himself once during the show just praising (I'm assuming) God. The band wasn't a Christian band. They weren't singing praise songs. No one else was praising with this guy. But there he was. Praising. Appreciating.
I was confused at first but then the more I watched this guy I started to realize something. This man was not praising the band or with the band or to the songs being sung. This guy was praising God for allowing his ears to hear such incredible beauty flow out of something earthly. This guy was praising God because His beauty was being revealed to us. It wasn't in a form of a Psalm. It wasn't in a hymn. It was everyday life exuding God's beauty. It was an incredible reminder that God is truly everywhere. Everything on this earth is God's and God can be revealed through everything. It is his beauty that shines through the beautiful things on earth. It is merely our choice to praise him for it. I hope that we choose to. I hope I choose to.
Beyond that, I am finding myself a little better around old Heartland Community Church. I'm getting involved in a small group and I'm probably going to even co-lead it. I'm writing some scripts for some sketches and announcements and videos so that' s fun too. I'm just moving all the time though so feeling productive is not really a priority. I'm not in one spot long enough to really accomplish anything. Maybe that's not what I'm here for. Maybe I'm here just to soak. I don't like that though. I want to be of some value. I want to be good at what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm good at this. I just feel like I CAN do this. It's not hard to sit in meetings and give input or no input. I think I need a project to accomplish. And again, maybe that's what the real test for me this summer is going to be. It's going to be me not being in the lead. I have to follow. I just have to listen and accept. Ideas are okay to give but they are most likely only going to be ideas that feed off of others' vision. That's hard for me. This should be a great summer. We'll see what happens.
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