Moving Fast and Not Fast Enough

Half way done.

That statement is kind of crazy. What's even more crazy is that I remember thinking when I got here, "When June is done, this internship is going to fly by." Guess what? It's almost July which consequently means, June is almost done. It's June 24th right now and in three-four days, we're going to be done with Sharefest. Sharefest is a giant renovation project of three public schools here in Rockford. I've been working there on and off these past two weeks. AND it's almost done. And when that's done, I'm almost done with June. And when June is almost done- I've already done this...

This summer has been really great though. There are so many things that constantly make me question where I am and why I am. I think if I have learned anything, it is this: I am a full believer in Jesus Christ. I have confidence that he can do anything that he pleases. I believe he knows all. Is all. And is all powerful. I believe that not only does Jesus know me, but that I know Jesus. I believe that he wants to see his children laugh, play, enjoy, and be part of a full life. I also know that Jesus lets us go through pit falls and stumble every now and again. However, I also know that he is always there. Always. With all of this said, I also know I screw up. A lot. I choose to disregard what Jesus has for me sometimes and go my own way. I need to work on that. I also know that those little decisions can become a giant hindrance down the road. But I also know that those decisions come in every part of life. Whether you're a teacher, a stock broker, a massage therapist, a pastor, a construction worker, a waiter or a chef, every day decisions make us who we are. It is the minute decisions, the details, that make us who we are.

Here's a better description: Take humans. Most humans have two eyes, a head, a nose, four apendages, and so on. This is not what makes them unique. Sometimes the number or having of these things make them unique but for the majority, these things do not make them unique. What makes them unique is the details. How big their eyes are. How tan their arms are. How curved their nose is. How wide their smile is. Details make up who we are. Details make us unique. Details define us. The little decisions are the details- the make up- of who we are. I need to work on the details.

Heartland has helped me a lot here. I talked earlier about how my life has been an upside down puzzle. I have learned that I am not ready to work in front of a church. I might be okay working behind a church or even in partnership with a church, but I am not ready to work in front of a church. However, a past entry also talked about how I wish to be in front and how I don't necessarily feel like that's being egotisitcial just as long as one's heart is in the right place. I feel like I tend to do better when people are watching. There is a certain switch in my body that clicks on when I know I have an audience. Without the audience, that switch takes longer to find. This means one of two things. I need to either hold off on church life and become stronger in other areas or I need to find how to turn on that switch even when I'm not in a place of prime switch-ability. My guess is that it's probably a healthy combination of both. My life doesn't need to change so much as it needs to be continually refined and defined. I want more definition (not meaning- details) to who I am which means I need to search after better answers which means I need to be asking harder and better questions.

We'll see what happens in the next five weeks.