Sorry that I haven't written in a long time. I feel like I am so consumed with what I am doing at Heartland right now that a lot of other things are taking the backseat. I haven't had any real alone time in a long time. I'm always on the move, looking at the next thing I have to do while doing something that is supposed to be done fifteen minutes before my next meeting. It's a busy life here and I like it, but it's a work environment that I still find myself getting used to and getting accustomed to each day. It's not a place where you just stroll into work, go into your office, see your list of "to-do's" and then start tackling one by one until five o'clock rolls around. Instead, it's a church that you roll in somewhere between 8:30 and 9, look around, see who is in the office, look at your calendar, realize that you have 5 meetings with things to do in between each one, and then try and tackle each thing. Yes, the people are incredible here and I do love work. However, work never stops. It can't when the staff is over 130. Church life is a different life than what I expected. I'm sure mega church life is even more different.
So here I sit, contemplating whether or not life in ministry is the life for me. The further I get into this summer, the more I begin to realize that the answer is different than what I thought it would be. To tell you the truth, I assumed that three weeks after this internship, I would be excited about ministry and the opportunities that it presents a person like me. That doesn't seem to be the case though. Instead, this church has probably made me want to be less and less a part of ministry. Don't get me wrong, Heartland does an incredible job at what it sets out to do. It's great at reaching a large mass of people and the teaching here is incredibly relevant to what people deal with in their everyday lives. Their worship is exciting and fresh. The programs are set up so that people can relax and not have to worry about anything. All the congregation has to do is listen.
But this kind of church is simply not the church for me. Instead, I would rather go to a church where they preached the Bible and showed how it applied to my life. More often than not, Heartland teaches about life and shows how it relates to the Bible. My mom calls that putting the carriage before the horse. I don't know if I would go that far but it definitely could be viewed that way. The problem is that I don't think I could be a teacher here and I believe that I did work at a church, it would consist of teaching. I have a weird passion that wants to be viewed. I need that accountability. I am okay doing stuff in the background but I think that I sometimes to mostly need the motivation that whatever it is that I am going to be doing is also going to be viewed by other people. It is their affirmation that I seek. Obvioulsy, it's also God's affirmation that I seek. I don't want to sound like my priorities are out of order. I'm typing very stream of consciousness right now so please understand my intentions. I first of all want to please God in all that I do. And I believe that God has given me a heart to work with and for others. Whatever it is that I am going to do seems to me that there will be other people involved. I don't know if they will be listening or evaluating but I think God has given me a desire for an audience in some capacity. Again- whether that is a listening one or one that evaluates my performance, I really do think that God has given me a desire for others to watch me.
I don't want this to sound cocky and I realize it may come across that way- especially since I'm typing this out as opposed to saying it aloud where we could have a conversation about this- but I promise you that I think God has given others gifts to work in the back or work in the front. All I am saying is that because of my 21 years of existence and most specifically my past 3 1/2 weeks here, I really do believe that my gifts point to the front and not to the back. I know who I am in certain areas and I know that when I work behind the scenes, my production level is less than what it is when I'm in the front. I don't view that necessarily as a weakness in me as much as I view it as the way I function. Some people work better when they aren't in front and people don't assume that they are being self boasting when they claim that they work better behind the scenes. My point is simply that I work better and more efficiently when I have the accountability of other people's opinions.
Beyond church life, I also am really beginning to understand clear communication. My girlfriend and I have been a part for the time of my internship. We have been able to see each other a couple times which has been really nice but we're learning what long distance relationships do. The problem with long distance relationships is not that you can't grow together, it's that you grow at a different pace- a much SLOWER pace. Talking about your day with the other person is important but still having a common bond is equally as vital. Mel and I have been able to rely a little bit on our common bond- each other. We are really interested in the other person but we are also interested in the other person being interested in us. It's so great to have Mel ask about my day and be interested in what happens next and in turn, it's great for Mel to have me be equally as interested. However, with the long distance thing, we have also found that communicating about such things often makes us sad that the other person wasn't there to share in that experience or sometimes even jealous. Often we've come home to realize that the other is in a completely different mood and it's hard to counter our emotions with the other person's. But what's been the best part about this is that we've talked all about this with the other. These things are all issues that we realize and talk through. We try and fix the problem as opposed to ignoring them. We move on. We're kind of in love.
I am almost done with my fourth week here and sooner than later, I will be half way done. That's absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe how fast my internship has gone and I can't believe how much I am learning about myself. Sometimes the things I learn are just reminders. Sometimes the things I learn are "aha" moments when I realize something about life for the first time. Sometimes, I learn things that I don't think I should have learned because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Regardless, I'm learning- a lot. It's been a good almost four weeks. I'm looking forward to a better almost six.
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