A Big, Big Problem

There's a problem with our world.  Okay, scratch that.  There are a lot of problems within our world.  Okay, scratch both of those things.  There is a problem with our world that not a lot of people are talking about.  And before you start guessing what that problem is, I'm just going to tell you.

It's the world of dating.

I'm the first to admit that I'm not expert on this topic.  However, I've casually noticed some points that I think ought to be addressed.  To get there, I need to clarify a few things first.

1.  I'm going to be talking about dating in most traditional sense: boy and girl

2.  You're going to say at the end, "So true" or "I know, right?!?"  

3.  I hate the phrase, "I know, right?!?"

So the main problem is that stereotypes rule here.  Girls tend to like being asked out on a date.  Boys tend to think too much when it comes to dating- and especially when it comes to asking girls on a date.

If you ask most women, "If a nice guy asked you out on a date, what would you say?" the common response would be, "I'd say yes!  I love going out on dates.  But no boy at this Christian College asks any of us girls out ever!"  If you ask most men, "If you saw a girl that you liked- you know, like, like-liked- and wanted to get to know better, would you ask them out on a date?" the common response would be, "Absolutely.  But there is waaaay more to it than just 'asking them out.'"  

This is where the confusion comes in.  Girls like being asked out.  It gives them a reason to get dressed up and think about what they're going wear.  They like having an excuse to say no to the lame and mundane Friday night schedule.  They like talking to a boy without other boys around.  And before you think I'm too sexist already, first, tell me I'm wrong.  And second, note that I've already clarified in point one that this is in the most traditional point of view.  

Continuing on with the confusion.  Boys also like going out to dinner with girls.  They like feeling proud of picking up the check for a pretty lady-friend.  They like telling their tool-friends that ask them what he's doing that night that "It's no big deal.  We're just going out to dinner.  Shut up douche bags." and other stupid names that us boys call our immature-friends.   And they like talking to a girl without other boys around too.  

However, it's sadly not this easy.  There are far more factors that come into play.  And most of these factors deal with the stereotypes that our culture has made true.  First, girls think that it's no-big-deal to just ask someone out on a date.  They think that it doesn't have to mean anything.  They think that it can just be two people, enjoying each other's company and nothing more.  They think that it's super easy to ask a girl, "Hey, wanna go out with me during a time to a place to do something that could be fun?"  To that I respond, then you try it.  If that doesn't suffice, I say, it's so much more complicated than that.  

First, guys hate rejection.  The very thought of asking someone out on a date and being turned down is awful to even think about and then to have it be actualized could be categorized as "The Worst Ever."  Not to mention, if one girl turns down a boy, the chances of him asking anyone else out in the near future is reduced by 8 times.  I'm not making that statistic up.  I don't have the evidence nor can I show my work on how I came up with that stat, but you'll have to trust me on this one.

Second, if "going on a date" doesn't have to mean anything, then why do both parties immediately start thinking "I really like this person. I hope it goes really well so I can have a boyfriend/husband six months from now."?  Both parties tell themselves and everyone around them that it's just a date but in the deepest parts of their soul, they're really thinking, "I hope something craaazy happens tonight so I will have a hilarious story to tell my kids when they ask, 'What was your and dad's/mom's first date like?"  Don't worry, we all do it.  It's sick.  And it's wrong.  But we all do it.  But oh, it is so sick and wrong.  

Third, people talk.  Because the truth is, if you're a dude and you're known for taking a lot of girls out on dates, whether or not you do the kissy-mooshy-wanna-touch-your-tooshy stuff (I just came up with that phrase and think it's awesome), you get one of two reputations.  1. You're a player and you just want to make out with a bunch of ladies or 2.  You're too picky and you'll never be happy because you don't know how to get over the tiniest little detail such as, "She wore a tank top and it was like 60 degrees outside.  Isn't that a little cold to show off your shoulders?". 

However, it is possible that neither one of those reputations will stick and the boy will just be known as "brave for asking out girls he's interested in."  People still talk though.  And boys know this.  Because when a boy asks out a girl, he immediately knows that the girl will tell her girl friends and those girl friends will tell their girl friends and then those girl friends will tell CNN and MSNBC and eventually, everyone knows you're going on a date.  This is called intimidating.  Because soon, CNN and MSNBC will be having news correspondents talking about how the date will go, if she's excited or if she really likes him or where he is taking her or if his family has a history of male patterned baldness and a lot more questions like that.  

But it doesn't stop there.  Because after the date, all of those people will ask the girl again, "how was the date" and "did you have a good time" and "was he a gentlemen" and of course, "Will there be another date".  

This is where it really gets tricky.  Because if one party member thinks that there will be another date and the other party member thinks there won't be another date, then eventually, both party members will be confused of how to even talk to each other during non-dates.  This will last an average of six months until one party member finally musters up enough strength to ask the other person, "Hey.  What's up?"  as they pass each other randomly some day (although in reality, they've passed each other "randomly" 74 times before this moment too.  It was just "too weird" then).  Eventually things go back to normal though.

Of course there is a possibility that both party members agree that although the date was fun, it probably shouldn't happen again.  At least not as an official date.  I mean why should people hang out with someone of the opposite sex if they won't provide a second income for you down the road, right?  If this should happen, more questions come up.  They include, can we really just go back to being friends?    Do they really not want to go on a second date with me or did they just say that because I did?  Do I really not want to go on a second date with them or did I just say that because they did?  And of course, the most important question: Am I allowed to go on a date with their friends?

All of these are good questions and all of them stand as ambiguous for the rest of both parties' lives.  

However, there are some theorists out there such as PhD Ben Arendt that believes that if an outside member of an existing circle of friends dates within a circle of friends, that one date ultimately ends any possibility of a date occurring between said outside member and any other party member within the circle.  If for some reason a different inside-the-circle party member dates the same outside member that an inside-the-circle member has previously dated, then that inside-the-circle member who dated the outside member second would be looking at a temporary release from that circle of friends and potentially, a life-long ban.  However, this theory has been tested many a time and the end result for each members relationships with both inside and outside the circle members, varies significantly and cannot be counted on as reliable.  Not yet at least.

In conclusion, the dating game is a much harder one than what meets the eye.  It's like playing chess with yourself.  You know all of your moves and you think you know all of your opponents moves.  But as soon as you do something that you didn't expect you would, you have counter your own self by changing the very game plan that you set up that you thought would assuredly beat you.  

That's right.  It's that confusing.

I'll also add that there is a lot more on this subject that has been left untouched.  I haven't even touched on what physical contact does to a date.  I haven't talked about what life after a second or third date is like.  I haven't even talked about the atmosphere, intentional or unintentional cues, or the conversation within a date.  Maybe it'll appear in another blog someday.  Maybe I'll write a 120 page book and over analyze this topic even more than I already have.  Maybe I'll simply let it go and allow smarter, more experienced people take this project over.  Either way, in just this short while, I have proved that dating is indeed a complicated, twisted, way-too-involved process that probably has never been and never will be mastered.  Girls say they just want a simple date but from the very start, make it more complicated by taking that extra five minutes in front of the mirror.  Guys say they just want a simple date but make it more complicated by just having a brain that thinks in too many different directions and often times, different directions that don't ever meet back up.  

Bottom line: dating is hard.  God Speed.  And good luck.

A Good Reminder

You’ve heard the phrase, “Today is a gift- that’s why it’s called the ‘present’”, yes?  Good.  Me too.  First of all, I think it’s a goofy phrase that’s probably used way too much by parents who have bored children.  Second, if we translated that phrase (much like any other cliché line) into another language, there would be no way we could explain what it meant without using a flow chart.  And third, I like it.

I like it because it reminds me that today is important.  And I like to forget that today is important.  I like to think that today’s decisions, both big and small, don’t make an impact on tomorrow’s decisions.  I like to think that what happens today will stay in today, and not reappear in tomorrow.  I like to think that what I say, who I talk to, how I act, where I go, when I do things- don’t affect anything. 

It’s a nice world that I live in. 

Well, I only sometimes live in it.

Because other times, I am reminded with a big slap to the face of reality that today has a big effect on tomorrow.  And I’m reminded of it every time a conflict comes up for a second and third and fourth and fifth time and up until now, I’ve chosen to go right every single time thus far- all the while knowing that I should have gone left from the start.  It’s frustrating.  Because now, I’m so far right, (and no, this is not a political statement) choosing left isn’t only difficult, it feels unnatural.  Right is comfortable.  Right is familiar.  Right is where all of my stuff is.  But left is where I’m supposed to be.

For those of you wondering if I’m referring to something in my personal life, the answer is no.  I’ve just been reminded recently how important right now is.

It started when I heard someone who I truly admire talk about Heaven and how we, as Christians, claim it to be our main aspiration.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I do think it’s a narrow-sighted thing though.  Because I think a lot of people are going to get into heaven.  And while all of them will believe that Jesus is Lord of all, I think that a fairly large percentage will have missed out on a lot of the really important stuff regarding the here and now.

                                                                          

Let me explain myself.  God created Heaven, right?  It’s undoubtedly going to be beautiful.  God also created this earth.  And when He made it, He called everything good (to clarify, I believe He said “good” because it was “perfect,” not because it was “good enough”).  But then people, much like me and you, ruined it by bringing sin into the world (You probably know this story). This perfect, amazing creation was immediately ruined by two people’s actions.  And to further that, their actions on that one day affected every tomorrow after that and eventually, not one thing was not affected by sin. 

The good news?  God didn’t give up on his creation.  In fact, He did the most selfless, radical thing imaginable.  He came to earth, which He created, as a creation (a human) to save all of creation (you and me). 

The bad news?  I get so focused on my plan to live on streets of gold that I forget that God already has me living in a perfect paradise - it’s just been ruined by me and a lot of other people like me.  But that’s no excuse to stop caring about it.  In fact, that might be the worst excuse out of all the excuses that I could possibly use to excuse myself.  And more importantly, it begs the question that when I say, "I'm just ready for Jesus to come back," am I really saying, "I just want to give up."?

So my hope for myself is that I get better at genuinely caring and loving the here and now.  And I hope I start choosing to go left because I’ve been going right for a while now (again, not political).  I need to remind myself daily to not only care about culture, but invest myself in it because God created music and art and expression and interpretation- thus there's a lot of good within that stuff.  I need to pick up cigarette butts and napkins that fly off of people's Chipotle trays (these are my most recent memories of picking up trash that wasn't mine) because God created this earth and told me to take care of it.  And I need to care about the people here with me because God put us above any other creation and I'm supposed to love what God loves.  And I need to do it today.  Because today is really, really important.  For history shows that all it takes is one day to ruin a paradise.  But it also shows that it takes one day to restore hope. 

I wish....

Some days, I wish I was a Viking.  Boom!  How's that for an introduction?

Nah, I'm just kidding.  I just thought it'd be fun to start out a post like that. 

In real life, I wish I was taller.  Not like, Viking-tall.  Just like 6'2 tall.  I don't think that's too much to ask for.  I can remember being a kiddo and going to Payless Shoes and the nice men and women that worked there would measure my feet with that foot measurer-do-hicky-thing and they'd always say:

"Wow.  How old are you?"

"Seven."

"You're going to be tall."

"Now when you say tall, you mean..."

"Over 6 feet for sure!"

"Awesome!  Mom did you hear that?... Mom?  Where are you?"

"I think she went back in the car."

"Hm."

That last part is fuzzy but it went something like that.  Anyway, I've been told my entire life that I would be taller than I am.  I've even held onto the fact that some men continue to grow until their 25 (that's only one more year for me).  But I haven't grown since 9th grade and truth of the matter is, I'm stuck here.

I'm stuck with a 15-30 degree angle that my neck has to sit on in order to talk to most people eye-to-eye.  I'm stuck with the fact that when I go in for a hug, I have to nuzzle below while people rest their chins on my head.  I'm stuck with the fact that I have stereotyped all shoe salespeople to be liars and terribly insensitive.

And worst of all, I'm stuck with a wingspan of 6'2 while my body stands only 5'10.

That's right.  My arms got the message.  They grew like they should have.  But my legs and torso are set in their ways (pun intended). 

The world is a cruel, cruel place.

My Resentment with Contentment*

*sorry for the rhyme- I couldn't resist.

One of my mild frustrations with Christianity is asking for contentment. Throughout many conversations with people, I have heard (both from others and myself) over and over again, "I just need to be content where God has me right now.  I'm so restless- I need to learn how to be content"  Now I think that works when people are talking about waiting to have kids, waiting to make a huge purchase, or when people are simply not thankful for any of the blessings in their life.  I get that.  But for all us people that are discontent with our jobs, discontent with our relationships, discontent with our routines- what if we stopped asking for contentment and started asking God for ambition? 

Now when I say ambition, I'm not talking about ambition to build a multi-platinum record label (although maybe I am now that I think about it), I'm talking about an ambition after what God wants for us.  I don't think God wants all of His kiddos to be content.  I think He wants them to get made fun of.  I think He wants them to be beat up a little bit.  I think He wants them to be punched in the gut every once and while (apparently I think God is very physical).  I think that He wants His kids to search for Him, get off the beaten path, and find Him in the most unlikely spot.  And I don't think that happens as often when we're content.  When we're content, we're looking for affirmation that our lives are okay as they are.  We so badly want to feel happy that we forget that God also works through heartache, pain, stress, frustration, searching, working and tension.  

And I don't feel like contentment is only a bad thing.  God wants us to be content too.  Jeff Manion, the pastor of Ada Bible Church, gives a great example of contentment.  Take two kids.  They both have bowls for ice cream.  You give the first child a scoop of ice cream and he's the happiest he could ever be.  At that point in that child's life, nothing could be better.  As the second child gets his ice cream, kid number one realizes that kid number two got a little bit more.  No longer is child numero uno happy.  The injustice infuriates him.  And yet, two seconds ago kid number one was happier than ever.  It was his comparing of the bowls that left him feeling discontent.  And because he had the evidence of kid number two having more ice cream, he felt justified in his discontentment.  Jeff Manion (and Jesus) warns us that this is dangerous territory.  Because the heart that feels ripped off can justify anything (quote by Jeff Manion).  So a prayer of contentment there is very important

I think the danger comes in when I start asking God for contentment with what/why/who/how I am and I start forgetting that God has made me exactly how he wanted me to be.  It would be like if I had crutches and I said I only had one leg.  I still have two legs.  One’s just broken.  And just because I don’t have everything in place (like my femur), it doesn’t mean I need to stop walking.  I need to learn how to use my broken leg and my healthy leg together with the help of my crutches.  At that point, I’ll be able to walk just fine.  And most likely, I’ll learn how to do other cool things in the process, like kick a ball with a crutch.  That would be awesome.  But if I broke my leg and decided that I should just sit down and ask for contentment, I might miss out on knowing I could do those fun things.

Maybe not surprisingly, since this is one of my greatest frustrations, I often times find myself wanting so badly for God to work while I just watch.  I'd rather find that five dollars in my jeans pocket as opposed to working for it.  I want someone to hear me talking with my friends and say, "Oh my gosh!  You'd be perfect in this major motion picture I'm working on!  Hi, my name is Martin Scorsese."  I want to open up my Bible every morning at random and read the verse that I need to hear that day.  Funny that things don't work out like that.  And honestly, I think if God wanted the world to work like that, He'd make it happen.  But life doesn't happen like that.  And if informal logic has taught me anything, I can conclude that it's because God doesn't want the world to happen like that.

Of course this can be argued and there are some points in here that could be fleshed out a bit more, but what I'm basically trying to say is I'm tired of hearing (and saying), "I just need to learn how to sit and listen before I 'go and do.'"  I wish the mentality was:  Let's go out and do something that both God and I would like and find Him along the way.  Because let's face it, we all know what's right and what's wrong.  We all know that tutoring a 12 year old is probably a better use of our time than watching Glee is.  We all know that waking up early to do devotions would be better for us as opposed to hitting snooze.  We all know that living a comfortable life is not always the best thing.  But if we're honest, Glee, the snooze button, and "comfortable" are great and wonderful things too (especially Glee).  So, like most things, this issue is all about making a choice.  And I hope I get better at making the better one more often.

The Truth Behind The Flannel

Did you know that I brought back flannels? 

I did.

Seriously though, I did.  When I was in 4th grade, flannels were not in.  In fact, when I was in 4th grade (that's probably right around 1996), no one from the ages of 10-24 years old (aka- the trend setter ages) were wearing flannels.  Literally.  Not one single person from that age group, throughout the entire world, wore a flannel in 1996. 

No one- except me that is.

You're probably having a hard time believing this so let me give you a taste of what a typical conversation looked like for me as a fourth grader as I was sporting my Flannel and my backpack that looked like a Dodge Caravan (we had friends of the family who owned a dealership)

Other 4th Grader- Hey Andy!  Sweet back pack!  But what's that thing you're wearing?

Andy- Oh, it's a flannel. 

Other 4th Grader- I've never seen one of those before!  And I have 14 adopted siblings with me being the youngest and the oldest being 24!

Andy- Well, it's not really new.  It's just not popular.

Other 4th Grader- That looks dumb and stupid at the same time!

Andy- Well fellow 4th grader, I'm sorry you feel that way.  But I'm just wearing what feels comfortable

Other 4th Grader- Well if it wasn't for your backpack, I'd be calling you some pretty bad names.  You know, the kind of names that make people look back on their youth and realize their own ignorance.

Andy- You mean names that perpetuate false stereotypes?

Other 4th Grader- Yep, those names. 

Andy- All because of this flannel? 

Other 4th Grader- Mmmhmm

Andy- You know it's going to be popular some day?

Other 4th Grader- (laughter) Are you serious?  You are one crazy, caravan-backpack toting fellow.

Andy- Alright, alright... Don't get carried away

You see what I mean?  I was a lone wolf.  But luckily, I survived.  And eventually, pop culture took notice of my style and copied it.  And then they marketed it.  And of course they didn't attach my name to the brand.  But you know what, that's just the way I wanted it all along.

You're welcome, America.

Boomerang Wishes

There is something in all of our lives that I'm pretty sure everyone hates but not enough people talk about:  Cutting Fingernails and Toenails.

It might be the worst ever.  I'm not sure.  I haven't done the research yet but I think I'll be able to empirically prove that cutting your nails is last place in the "Race of Fun Things to Do."  If I can't though, I have another plan:

Create a fingernail/toenail clippers that forms your nails into tiny boomerangs.

This, of course, will be much more feasible.

There's a need for this invention.  Everyone knows that the second worst thing about cutting your nails (behind your fingers feeling like they were drug through chalky concrete) is that the remains of the nails fly off and hide in the carpet or blend in with the bathroom floor.  Hence- the need for my invention.  In a world with the "Boomerang Nail Clippers," no fingernail nor toenail would ever hide from you again.  The clippings would be catapulted in the air, fly towards the door and back, and gently fall into the trashcan.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Problem solved.  And I'm a Three-Hundred-Thousand-aire... Let's be realistic.  Not every one will want one of these things.

Ariel needs an Attitude-Check

So I've thought this for a while now but I think I'm going to finally put it into writing.  I've always held onto the fact that if I ever decided to go into comedy (you know, because I'm so funny), this would be one of my routines.  But for the sake of stretching my own humor, I'm going to let go one of my favorite jokes. 

Below, you'll read the lyrics to "A Part of Your World" from Disney's Little Mermaid.  I've added my responses next to Ariel's words.

Look at this stuff (okay....)
Isn't it neat? (Yeah, it's pretty neat.)
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? (It does look pretty full)
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, The girl who has everything? (Well, your dad is the King of the Sea)
Look at this trove (Holy cow!  That's an awesome trove!)
Treasures untold (that's kind of a weird thing to say)

How many wonders can one cavern hold? (probably like a thousand!)
Looking around here you think "Sure, she's got everything" (I'm definitely starting to)
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty (Are you serious!?)
I've got whozits and whatzits galore (You've got whozits and whatzits?! Galore!?)
You want thingamabobs? (Hell yeah, I do!)
I've got twenty! (No way!)
But who cares? (Wait a minute...)
No big deal (It's a pretty big deal...)
I want more (Are you serious?!  You, greedy, terrible Mermaid!)

I wanna be where the people are (You have crabs that sing and dance around YOU!)
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin' (Just poke your head out of the water every once in a while then!)
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em? (Feet)
Oh - feet! (Yep...)

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far (Uh, you can flip your fins around 70% of the earth.)
Legs are required for jumping, dancing (Unless you get a cramp!)
Strolling along down a - what's that word again? (Oh my gosh!  It's called a Street!  A Street!)
Street ([GIANT SHRUG AND SIGH])

Up where they walk, up where they run (Up where you can't talk to animals!)
Up where they stay all day in the sun (Even in the warmest places on land, that's not possible.  Think about rain, snow, I don't know- CLOUDS!)
Wanderin' free - wish I could be (Oh no, here it comes)
Part of that world (You really have no idea how much you're limiting yourself, do you?)

What would I give if I could live out of these waters? (Well, you'd have to give up your fins, invisible gills, and that whole "conch shells on your boobies" get up.)
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? (It depends on the beach.  Probably no more than ten bucks though)
Bet'cha on land they understand that they don't reprimand their daughters (that's actually a pretty universal thing.  IT'S CALLED DISCIPLINE)
Proper women sick of swimmin' (Proper women wouldn't say "swimmin' ")
Ready to stand (Now it sounds like you're opening up the Women's Suffrage Bag!)

And I'm ready to know what the people know (Have you ever considered teaching us what you know?)
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers (You're a demanding, little bi-otch aren't you?)
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word? (No, not this time)
Burn? (Good work.  You got that one on your own... and no normal person knows "why" a fire burns)

When's it my turn? (I'm sorry to say, but unless you have someone with magical powers on your side, you're not going to have a turn up here)
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above? (It sure sounds like  it. But I would suggest you learning how to be happy with where you are first.  Trust me, that'll be much more happy in the long run)

Out of the sea (That doesn't make sense.  That was a fragment)
Wish I could be (Oh, you're speaking like Yoda.  I get it.  The answer is still no)
Part of that world (Dang!  You pulled like a triple Yoda on me!   But the answer is still no... because of your attitude.  See, it's not just your father.)

Man do I hate Ariel.  But, they can't ALL be like Jasmine.  

Rare Sighting

Today, something happened to me that has never happened to me before- or anyone I know for that matter.  I saw a baby squirrel.  That's right.  A baby squirrel.  No one sees baby squirrels.  But Andy has.  And it happened when I took Winston out.  So here's my logic.

I went to Calvin College and because of that I ----->
Joined the Improv Team and because of that I ----->
Met Melissa and because of that I ----->
Got married to her and because of that I ----->
Bought an apartment that conveniently had a fence and because of that I ----->
Bought a dog and because of that I ----->
Had to take him out to use the facilities and because of that I ----->
Saw a baby squirrel!

Thanks Calvin College.

In case you wanted to know, this is what a baby squirrel looks like.

PDA Walking

So I just saw a couple with the girl walking in front of the guy but they were so close that her back was leaning up against the dude's chest.  In order to be so close though, their legs had to be and WERE in perfect synchronization.  It was gross

Granted it was raining and they only had one umbrella... which is probably why I only threw up in my mouth once.

To help you with the image, I've drawn a picture for you:

Winston

Mel and I got a dog about two weeks ago.  He's 12 weeks old now, his name is Winston, and he teaches us a lot about life.  Such things include:

- Sleeping 3 hours at a time is better than poop in your crate
- When attention is drawn elsewhere, the one lacking attention will poop somewhere (and always inside)
- Jumping up and down makes poop come out easier.
- It's impossible to be mad at something cuter than shit.

Here are some pics.

Holy "It's Been a While" Batman!

So it's been the longest time since I've used this thing.  Isn't it funny how blogs start out?  "I want to start telling the world what my thoughts are so an underground magazine will find them and think I'm innovative and mindblowing.  Then they'll probably pick my blog up, turn it into some trendy paperback novel, and then I'll totally sell out and write autobiographies for the rest of my life and speak at motivational seminars."  At least that's what I imagine people thinking when they start (in case you haven't read the context, that's what I first thought when I started to blog).  It's a lot like a poem I read once in Garrison Keillor's "Good Poems", "I want to be famous so I can be humble about being famous."  Except I'd paraphrase it to, "I want to be famous so I can tell people that I used to be just like them when on the inside, I know that I'm nothing like them anymore."  That's pretty much what motivational speakers feel like, that much I'm sure of.  Wow- I just jumped from welcoming you to my blog to a rant about how motivational speakers are jerks.  Sorry about that.

I love you all.  I hope something good comes of this ol' Blog-ski.

be well.
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