The Truth Behind The Flannel

Did you know that I brought back flannels? 

I did.

Seriously though, I did.  When I was in 4th grade, flannels were not in.  In fact, when I was in 4th grade (that's probably right around 1996), no one from the ages of 10-24 years old (aka- the trend setter ages) were wearing flannels.  Literally.  Not one single person from that age group, throughout the entire world, wore a flannel in 1996. 

No one- except me that is.

You're probably having a hard time believing this so let me give you a taste of what a typical conversation looked like for me as a fourth grader as I was sporting my Flannel and my backpack that looked like a Dodge Caravan (we had friends of the family who owned a dealership)

Other 4th Grader- Hey Andy!  Sweet back pack!  But what's that thing you're wearing?

Andy- Oh, it's a flannel. 

Other 4th Grader- I've never seen one of those before!  And I have 14 adopted siblings with me being the youngest and the oldest being 24!

Andy- Well, it's not really new.  It's just not popular.

Other 4th Grader- That looks dumb and stupid at the same time!

Andy- Well fellow 4th grader, I'm sorry you feel that way.  But I'm just wearing what feels comfortable

Other 4th Grader- Well if it wasn't for your backpack, I'd be calling you some pretty bad names.  You know, the kind of names that make people look back on their youth and realize their own ignorance.

Andy- You mean names that perpetuate false stereotypes?

Other 4th Grader- Yep, those names. 

Andy- All because of this flannel? 

Other 4th Grader- Mmmhmm

Andy- You know it's going to be popular some day?

Other 4th Grader- (laughter) Are you serious?  You are one crazy, caravan-backpack toting fellow.

Andy- Alright, alright... Don't get carried away

You see what I mean?  I was a lone wolf.  But luckily, I survived.  And eventually, pop culture took notice of my style and copied it.  And then they marketed it.  And of course they didn't attach my name to the brand.  But you know what, that's just the way I wanted it all along.

You're welcome, America.

Boomerang Wishes

There is something in all of our lives that I'm pretty sure everyone hates but not enough people talk about:  Cutting Fingernails and Toenails.

It might be the worst ever.  I'm not sure.  I haven't done the research yet but I think I'll be able to empirically prove that cutting your nails is last place in the "Race of Fun Things to Do."  If I can't though, I have another plan:

Create a fingernail/toenail clippers that forms your nails into tiny boomerangs.

This, of course, will be much more feasible.

There's a need for this invention.  Everyone knows that the second worst thing about cutting your nails (behind your fingers feeling like they were drug through chalky concrete) is that the remains of the nails fly off and hide in the carpet or blend in with the bathroom floor.  Hence- the need for my invention.  In a world with the "Boomerang Nail Clippers," no fingernail nor toenail would ever hide from you again.  The clippings would be catapulted in the air, fly towards the door and back, and gently fall into the trashcan.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Problem solved.  And I'm a Three-Hundred-Thousand-aire... Let's be realistic.  Not every one will want one of these things.