The Dog Advantage

Is it too much to ask, “Why can’t people be more like dogs?”  I think the answer is an emphatic “no” but I suppose I shouldn’t be the guy that answers his own questions.

Example: “Who’s got the best dressed vest on his chest in the west?  This guy!”

Yeah, no one wants that. 

However, I would like to make my case for why humans should stop aspiring to be like other people and be more like dogs.

REASON-LIST

1.        If you’re a big dog, you can eat a whole stick of butter and not only be okay for the most part, but your body won’t change at all.  I consider that 100% awesome.  Now, do I want to eat a whole stick of butter?  No.  Would I?  Yes.  In a high cholesterol heartbeat. 

2.       A dog is always the most excited to see you when you return from anything- FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME.  Name one human that’s cool with you locking them inside the house whilst expecting them not to eat any of your food, no access to the bathroom, and the last time you saw them, you tricked them by putting a treat behind the couch and by the time they found it, you were out the door and in your car.  NOT A SINGLE PERSON!

a.       Subpoint: Dogs are allowed to pee a little when they get super excited and no one will make fun of them

3.       4 words:  Unlimited Amount of Naps

4.       Shaking hands stops being the sign of a business transaction going down and instead, pretty much guarantees a tasty snack or a good rub down.

a.       Subpoint:  This applies to sitting on command, begging, rolling over, playing dead and speaking.  SPEAKING!

5.       You have a legitimate reason to hate cats.  Moreover, all the cat lovers in the world will no longer be mad at you.  In fact, they’ll completely understand.

6.       You’ll never be expected to remember somebody’s birthday.

7.       In a world where first impressions are everything, you’re pretty much guaranteed to make the best impression 98% of the time.  And in a world where good first impressions mean invites to fancy parties, you’ll pretty much be guaranteed to be the only dog at a super fancy party.

8.       Bandanas, sweaters and any Halloween costume will automatically boost your “Cute Factor.”

9.       For all of you that love snuggling, dogs are the ultimate snugglers!  For all of you that hate snuggling, dogs are the perfect sleepers-by-your-feet!  For all of you that love snuggling for a little bit and then love pushing your snuggle partner away, dogs are perfect at snuggling for a little bit and never hold grudges when you push them away!  For all you (insert how you like to sleep), dogs are perfect (modified version of how you sleep)!

10.   Google Image Puppies.  Now Google Image Babies.  If you don’t get my point already, then explaining it won’t help.

11.   Have you ever seen a dog trip?  I know I sure haven’t.  At least not in public.

12.   More people would buy 365 day flip calendars that were all about you.

13.   Oh, I don’t know, amazing hearing and smelling capabilities!  Not to mention, the assumed ability to see better in the dark.  If a person had all three of those things, they’d pretty much be a super hero.

14.   Tax season?  Fuhgedaboutit!

15.   Dogs have an uncanny ability to know when to listen.

Need I say more?*

*If you’d like to say more, please add your reason(s) why being a dog would be a better life.

Valentine's Day? Psh.

Valentine’s Day is coming up and we’re all thinking the same thing:  “Really?  Again?  Son of a...”

Does anyone really like Valentine’s Day?  I mean, seriously?  Does it do more harm than good?  When did someone decide that we should make this a holiday?  Where does it even come from?  And yes, I could type in “Valentine’s Day Origins” into my Google Chrome, but I would rather make loud, brash remarks about a holiday that I assume no one in the entire world actually likes. 

So here I go.

Come on, creator of Valentine’s Day!  Come on!  What were you thinking?  There were so many other things you could have created instead.  Like what you ask?  Oh, I don’t know.  I’m just spit-balling here but here’s a few:

1.       National “Sit at Home and Watch Home Videos” Day

a.       This would be a day when everyone stayed at home and watched home videos.  Yes, some people don’t have the videos or the television to watch videos on, but I think it would exclude a lot less people than Valentine’s Day does.

2.       National “Invent a Cool Invention” Day

a.       This would be a day when everyone tried to invent a cool invention.  There would be crazy contests going on every major network and street corner and the world would be a better, potentially less practical place.

3.       Boat Day

a.       This day was officially invented by Paul “Heinous Nation” Bylsma.  On this day, people would buy things for a person’s boat.  If said person doesn’t own a boat, then that person would have to be bought a boat.

4.        National “Wear the Same Color” Day

a.       This day, everyone would wear the exact same color as everyone else.  From top to bottom.  And it would change every year.  So not only would every kid know what it’s like to wear a uniform to school, but for the whole day people would be saying stuff like, “Hey that’s Frank!  Oh, wait no it’s not.”  and “Look at that girl over there.  Yeah, the one in the yellow… wait a minute!  They’re all in yellow!”  And then we’d all laugh.

5.       National “Turn Off the Clocks” Day

a.       This day, everyone would have to get rid of all their clocks, watches, timers, what have you.  It’s really simple.

Those are 5 great substitutions for Valentine’s Day and I thought about them in 5 minutes.  Think of how many more we could come up with if we did some group-think or we hashed out some of the ones I just came up with (especially National “Wear the Same Color” Day). 

And listen, creator of Valentine’s Day, I understand that it’s super simple to come up with something nice to do.  But I also understand that a lot of people lie about the plans they’ve been making.  For example, here is a sample conversation from two lovers.  The setting is in a family room about a week away from Valentine’s Day.

LOVER #1-  Hi Sweetie.  Have you thought about what you’re going to do for me for Valentine’s day?
LOVER #2-  (he/she pretends to not hear because they are looking under a desk or they’re trying to figure out how to plug a lamp in)
LOVER #1-  Sweetie?  Did you hear me?
LOVER #2-  What?  Sorry, I couldn’t figure out if this plug was upside down or if our outlet was messed up.  What’d you say?
LOVER #1-  I asked if you thought about what you’re going to do for me for Valentine’s Day
(While LOVER #1 is asking, LOVER #2 is thinking about this day for the first time and came up with this plan:  “We’ll attempt to make sushi together, we’ll rent that movie he’s/she’s wanted to see, I’ll make sure to have Kettle Corn, and I’ll give her 3 Free Back-Rub Coupons.”)
LOVER #2-  Absolutely I’ve thought about it!  Make sure to have your Monday night wide open.

LOVER #1-  Really?
LOVER #2-  Really. 

Boom.  Done and done.  It was that easy.  And sure, Creator of Valentine’s Day, you’re bringing some people together, but you’re also pushing them apart by forcing one of them to lie about for how long they’ve been planning that special night.  Not to mention, you’re creating a tough time of it for people that wish they were doing something for Valentine’s Day.  And for the record, people don’t want to do something on Valentine’s day so they can have someone to hang out with that night.  Hanging out with people is fun anytime of the year.  We just want to have the ability to talk negatively towards Valentine’s Day without looking bitter. 

Of course, if we’re talking a bit more existentially, the bigger question is not “Why did you invent this day?”  The question is “Why can’t people just be expected to do really sweet and romantic gestures without a national holiday demanding us to do so?”  Great question.  And it really boils down to a Chicken or the Egg type argument.  I can only assume that this day was invented in the very beginning of time.  Therefore, people always knew that there would be a specific day when they had to be super nice to others.  Being super nice other days of the year then probably seemed unnecessary and inconsequential. 

So way to go, Creator of Valentine’s Day.  You really messed up on this one.  Not to mention, you ruined the image of angels for a lot of people too.