I’ve been thinking a lot lately about people’s opinions. And no, I haven’t only been thinking about how they’re typically different than mine. I’ve been mostly interested in how people, including myself, react when we find that others’ opinions oppose our own. I think most people are quick to defend their opinions first as opposed to stepping back and thinking about their opposition’s. Why is it that we’re so ready to jump in to heartily defend what we think about certain things? And it could be about anything. If you don’t like my clothes, my team, my personality, my drink of choice- I’m probably going to debate you at least a little and try to bring you to my side.
And pretty much everybody does this. In fact, I can think of very few people who graciously receive an opposing opinion. Most people I know do one of the following:
1. They fight back immediately (e.g. "No, you Dummy, you're wrong- and this is why...).
2. They’d rather not fight so they reply by faking submission and sneak in a passive insult (e.g. “Oh, yeah, I guess maybe you could be right. Of course, every fact in the world points to the opposite but you’re absolutely entitled… to your opinion.).
3. They choose to say nothing and instead sit looking like you’re slightly more inferior than you once were (e.g. Picture your average house cat).
So why are we, as people who claim to be all about freedoms of expressions, beliefs, and actions, so quick to claim that our opinions sit inside the mecca of truth?
I think the answer is two-fold.
I think the first part of the answer is because our values are intrinsically tied into our opinions. The reason I dress the way I dress, the reason I cheer for the teams I cheer for, the reason I love the woman I love, is all because my values are permeated throughout those choices. Take my wedding ring for example. I chose a plain, gold band because at heart, I’m a traditionalist, I thought a silver or two-tone ring made me feel like a Hollister model (aka- inherently evil), and because it was my Grandfather’s wedding ring. Each of things resemble something that I am or want to be and for that, I am wearing the ring I am.
And we can do this with each and every one of our choices. For the guy that moved across the country and chose China as his home- his values drove that choice. For the parents that decided to not attend their child's wedding- their values drove that choice. For the friends that decided to all live together after college to work on what community really looks like- their values drove that decision. For the girl who decided that law school would be a good career choice but chose to keep teaching in her high school that desperately needed her- her values drove that decision. For the couple that stopped doing what was financially best for them and started to do what was financially best for others- their values drove that decision.
I started to think about all of this when I was walking in downtown Akron and I saw a 35 year old man riding his bike with awkward looking jean shorts, a thick brown belt, a tight, tucked-in red polo, high, white socks and an old-school helmet. It was at that moment that I thought to myself , “I wouldn’t ever walk out of the house looking like that unless I was going to an 80’s party.” So in laymen’s terms, I was completely judging the guy. But as I watched that man ride away, I started to think that Red-Polo guy probably really liked his look. Actually, he probably felt most comfortable in that look. You know what, his look probably gave him more comfort than anything I would do to “help” him. And that’s when “eureka” happened in my head. I started to have one of those cinematic moments when my whole world rushed by and I watched myself judge others’ taste in music, debated people who like Nutella, argued over why holding hands in church is distracting, and so many other petty (and sometimes pretty shameful) things. Because even though it’s really easy to debate the random guy who still likes Nickelback, in reality, when I judge or debate others’ opinions, I’m not just opposing their taste. I’m potentially claiming their values are wrong. And I need to be careful, caring, and well intentioned to do that.
Now on to the “second fold.” I realize that this is a little overdramatic at times. If you debate me that bananas are NOT horrid, hellish things, well, you’ll lose- but more importantly, I won’t feel like you’re attacking my values. In fact, there are a ton of things like that. Each differing opinion doesn’t necessarily constitute an open-field battle. However, there are plenty of my opinions that I will openly and persistently debate and I have found that when I do that, I’m really saying one of two things:
1. You’re opposing a value that is really important to me.
or
2. Your opinions are revealing a value in me that I’m not proud of.
It’s pretty clear to me that if I were to tell someone that their wedding ring is awful to look at, providing they’re wearing it for specific and meaningful reasons (even if it’s two-toned silver), they’d most likely debate me why it’s in fact not awful but rather a meaningful symbol. However, if the ring they chose was the first one they found and they “kind of liked it,” the debate will probably last all of forty-five seconds. And that’s because the investment in that thing, or the value that is being displayed, heavily affects how we debate our opinions.
Now if someone came up to me and told me that I need to work on my “approach” with people- that I don’t show enough care when I confront (care-frontation, if you will) or that I offer more critique than “constructive” criticism- I probably will debate them for a while on that. And if I’m being honest with myself, I’ll debate my approach because my opinion of it being “the best way to handle conflict or opposition” shows a value of mine that I’m not always proud of. I value tough love over the gentle love. I more often choose the route of pure honesty instead of sitting and listening to people vent. I’ll open up a Christmas present and give my immediate feedback (in my defense though, that’s an Allen-family trait). And while sometimes these routes are appropriate, there are plenty of times when my reaction is too harsh, or too brash, or too rude.
But the point of this is to not critique how we confront one another but instead, it’s about why we do it. See, I have an easier time debating than I do saying, “You’re right.” I often times choose to argue instead of humbling myself. And what’s worse, it takes very little for me engage in these conversations. Usually all it takes is a non-verbal cue or an inadvertent, tangential remark from a friend’s friend to cause me to defend my opinion. And while writing this all down is a bit therapeutic, it’s mostly convicting. Because we defend our opinions of drinking too much, how we treat our co-workers, why we watch what we watch, how hard we work at our jobs, the music we listen to, the best way to drive a car, why we don’t talk to our neighbors, what we did on the weekend, and most importantly, why I’m right and you’re wrong. But these “opinions” are far more than just that. These opinions are really giant bumper stickers telling us and everyone else what our values truly are. And if you’re anything like me, you’re not always proud of the values you’re displaying.
